Exit only.

After today, I am 100% sure that I do not enjoy things being shoved in my pooper...not by me or anyone else.

Now that that's out of the way, onward to today's appointment which was with the colorectal surgeon (which is apparently how this whole process starts), Dr. Sollenberger aka Dr. Weird Dentures (really-really-strange-hard-not-to-stare-at dentures).  We started out in the office with a general overview of my history, and how this all came to be.  Then it was off to the exam room.  Now, I've never been to any sort of butt doctor, so I had no idea what to expect.  What I did not expect, however, was to be bent over an exam table, ass end up, and be subjected to first a finger, then a scope, just a few short weeks after surgery. 

After all was said and done, and I wiped the pain-induced sweat from my brow, Dr. Weird Dentures gave me the lowdown.  He said because the cancer is growing in two separate locations, and covering a large surface area, surgery (at this point) would entail removing the entire rectum and placing a colostomy.  Instead, he is recommending both chemotherapy and radiation to either shrink the cancer enough to remove it surgically or to kill it altogether.  He said in 80% of cases, the chemo/radiation is successful on its' own.  Worst case scenario is that it doesn't work, and then it's see ya later, rectum.  So long story, short, I will be starting chemo within the next 2 weeks or so.  I will have more information about that when I see the first medical oncologist this Friday.  I am also scheduled for radiation oncology, MRI, chest x-ray, another (second opinion) medical oncologist, and, you guessed it, a colonoscopy.  Just what I wanted...more foreign objects in my poohole.  At least this time I'll be sedated.

Cancer? Really? F*#@ You, Universe.

Let's say you're the universe...What do you get the girl that seemingly has everything?  The girl with chronic kidney disease, an odd combination of random autoimmune issues, and two years of dialysis and two kidney transplants under her belt?  I'll save you the trouble.  It's apparently cancer.  Well universe, you've messed with the wrong girl because ain't nobody got time for these shenanigans!

Here is how it all went down, and what I know so far.  I have been trying to make the most of my summer break from nursing school to get some things done that I just haven't had time for.  One of those things was my annual gynecology exam.  *What did you do during summer vacation?  Went to see my gyno, you?*  While there, the very nice, but very timid resident discovered a mass.  She was unable to tell what it was or where it was growing from, but determined that it did, indeed, have to go.  I was then scheduled for surgery.  While I was in a Propofol-induced state of unconsciousness, it immediately became apparent that the one mass was actually two, and that they were growing from the rectal area.  It must have been my lucky day, though, because there was a colorectal surgeon operating in the next room.  My surgeon, Matt (that's how he identifies himself when he calls...it always takes me a solid minute to figure out who the crap it is),  called extra surgeon over who confirmed that the masses appeared to be cancerous.  He advised Matt to excise whatever he could see, and call it day. 

My follow up appointment to get the pathology results was the following week, July 9 to be exact, but I had a gut feeling it wasn't going to be good news.  Jen did too.  Matt told us that the pathology confirmed their suspicions of cancer.  It showed squamous cell carcinoma, and Matt said I would need further testing to determine the staging of the cancer and possible treatment options.  He was hell-bent on me seeing this fabulous new specialist that was coming to Hershey, Dr. Poohole (not her real name, but her real name sounded a lot like poohole, so Jen and I thought poohole was way more appropriate).  Now, here's my problem with Poohole:  She's not even scheduled to start at Hershey until the 23rd, and probably won't even start seeing patients until the week after that.  So basically, Matt's message was, "Here's some cancer.  Can't tell you how bad it is, or how to treat it, but here, have some.  And you can wait a good 4 weeks to find anything else out". 

I waited to see just how long it was going to be to see Dr. Poohole.  I got the call yesterday, and they proceeded to tell me her first available appointment was August 8th.  August freaking 8th.  AND...they would not schedule any imaging tests to get done in the meantime.  At this point I was beginning to wonder if Poohole was really as amazing as I had been told, OR if because she is new they were just pushing new patients on her to fill her schedule.  Needless to say, after some thought (and several epic freakouts by Jen...still not sure she has fully recovered), I called Pinnacle Cancer Center today, and they were able to get me in to see one of their colorectal surgeons next Tuesday.  I'm going to keep the appointment with Poohole because I plan on getting a few opinions before starting any sort of therapy.

As some of you know, I have been feeling like crap squared since about March of this year.  This cancer diagnosis explains most of it, so in a way, it was kind of a relief.  Don't get me wrong, cancer fucking sucks, and I know I have a long road ahead of me, but I'm ready.  I am so lucky and blessed to have so many people who love and care about me.  Your kind words and concern touch my heart, and mean the world to me.  I hope you'll understand, though, how overwhelming this all is, and that it is difficult to keep everyone up to speed on an individual basis...hence the birth of this blog.  I will do my very best to update often with test results, appointments, treatments, funny stories, and anything else that may come up. 

Now...time to kick this cancer in the butt...umm, literally!